Friday, March 27, 2009

Damned if they do, damned if they don't Yankees

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's just one of those
things. We all know that Orenthal James "O. J." Simpson didn't
brutally murder Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in a heated crime of
passion inside Brown's Los Angeles, California home by way of countless
knife slashes through the neck and vertebrae to the point of near
decapitation between the hours of 10:15 and 10:40 p.m. Pacific Time on June
12, 1994 because he loved her so much that he couldn't stand the thought of
her being with anyone else and if he couldn't have her, no one could. NOOOOOO. We all know that didn't happen,obviously.
But what many people don't realize about the O.J. case is that
following the trial, his relationship with gloves forever changed.
If he continued to wear them, well, that's it, case closed, O.J. did it.
It'd be like rubbing salt in a knife wound. But if after 48 years of incessant Italian leather glove wearing, he suddenly stopped, well wouldn't that be a bit suspicious as well?
So when O.J. prepared to head out that first morning after the October 2, 1995 not-guilty verdict, Simpson had a choice to make: "should I wear them, or not?
On one hand, it's a bit cold and the occasion calls for gloves. But if I
wear them, well, that would look a little strange.
"On the other hand,everyone knows that I LOVE gloves. They're kind of my thing. In high school,people used to call me the gloved killer just because I always wore gloves and I killed opposing defenses on the football field. It'd be a little
strange for me to not wear gloves on a brisk day like this.
"On second thought, I think I'll just stay in today."
And so it went: for the remainder of his free life (before a totally
unrelated crime landed him in prison last December), Simpson only left his
house for confessional. Damn those gloves.
And what about former NASDAQ chairman and America's favorite new
money laundering sweet heart, Bernard Madoff? OK, we all know that Madoff
robbed countless investors of a crap-load of pennies (or $65 billion for the
mathematically ordinary) through a Ponzi scheme. Is that really a big deal?
It's just money, right?
But what many people don't know about Madoff is that he was planning
a surprise birthday party for his long-time wife, Ruth (what a handsome woman).
From what I hear,there was supposed to be cake, punch, a ball pit, pizza, live music and even an open arcade. How AWESOME does that sound?
Following the uncovering of his Ponzi scheme and the ensuing legal
troubles, however, Madoff was forced to do away with the ball pit and the
live music. What's an open arcade without live Jock Jams?
I know what you're thinking: it's not like Madoff doesn't already
have ALL of Kevin Bacon's money, anyway. So he should spend it, right?
WRONG. If he still throws Ruth that rockin' party, he looks selfish, greedy
and reckless. But doesn't he already have billions of dollars? If he goes
half ass on this thing, it's going to reflect poorly on his image. He'll
look stingy and tightfisted. UGHH. What to do, what to do. Damned if you do,
and damned if you don't.
That brings me to my next victim: the New York Yankees. Those poor
bastards don't stand a chance. After a summer in which the Steinbrenners dropped an unprecedented $384,500,000(during a recession) on four players (pitcher Andy Pettitte: $5.5 million, pitcher C.C. Sabathia: $135.5 million, pitcher A.J. Burnett: $82.5 million and slugger Mark Teixeira: $180 million), it's hard to imagine any scenario where the Yankees lose a single game.
I'm putting my money on the Yankees becoming the first team in Major League Baseball history to win every single game (162-0).Seriously. If God wanted to put together a first-team All-Divine baseball squad, my guess is that the Bronx Bombers would be an exact replica. With Captain Derek Jeter, who Head Coach Joe Girardi is thinking of moving to the top of the batting order, back in full swing, catcher Jorge Posada back from the shoulder injury that side-lined him for most of last year, the clutch-hitting Teixeira and a revamped bullpen, does it really matter that Alex Rodriguez will be out for 6-9 weeks after getting surgery on his right hip? I almost feel bad for opposing teams, like I should broadcast a commercial with little baby David Otiz (Boston Red Sox) wrapped in a tickle-me-pink blanket.
"You can't imagine the pain that little David has gone through, but he can imagine the beating heart that exists inside of you. And for just 10 cents a day, you can feed, clothe and care for David. Won't you please call and donate now?"
But at the end of the season, when push comes to shove, the Bombers are damned if they win and damned if they lose. Think about it...
Let's say the Yanks do finish the regular season at 162-0 and they do go on to sweep the playoffs, winning their first World Series since beating the New York Mets 4-1 in the 2000 Fall Classic. Well isn't that what they're supposed to do? Didn't they spend $384,500,000 on four players this off-season. Compare that to the $21,836,500 that the Florida Marlins spent on their entire team all of last year. Or the $43,820,598 that the defending American League Champion Tampa Bay Rays spent on their entire team. Pinning the Yankees against the Marlins is like pinning America against Vietnam (oh, wait). The fact is, if payroll has anything to do with success (which Yanks fans know all too well hasn't lately), the Yankees are SUPPOSED to win the World Series this year.
So when they do win, writers, fans and critics will all be letting go a collective, "big deal, they spent enough to bail the country out of debt."
BUT, BUT, BUT, what happens if the Yankees lose?
"You mean to tell me that the Yankees spent enough to feed millions of David Ortiz-es for all of eternity and they still couldn't pull out a win?"
Think about it... The Yankees vs. the MLB?
"UNITED STATES FINDS MILITARY SUCCESS IN IRAQI LEGO AIR BASE"
Well.....Duhhhhhhhhhhh

2 comments:

Eric said...

way to stay objective. Go Red Sox

amore said...

You're an idiot... nice undefeated season, so far, moron...

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