Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What's in a name? Just ask the Sox!

"Paging Doctor Schimmel to the third-floor men's room. There seems to be a bit of a situation by the do-it-yourself Depends bastille."
Those of you who know me well can say what you want, but whoever coined the term, "what's in a name?" never met me-- or my unborn children. Say what you want about my tactics, cheap and unfulfilling as they may be, but I believe that instant gratification is the only kind worth seeking.
Let's break this down:
"Paging Doctor Schimmel to the third-floor men's room. There seems to be a bit of a situation by the do-it-yourself Depends bastille."
To the unsuspecting listener, one might assume that there was some sort of medical issue of the geriatric nature on the top floor of the Queens Bridge Bed, Bath and Beyond.
"Wow, lucky this fine retail tycoon happens to have its own in-house doctor on hand," the surprised, yet unquestioning shopper would think as he continued to sift through an endless pile of "Tropical Twist Blast," Pomegranate Potpourri," and "Harvest Peach Infusion" hand sanitizers. "It's not weird at all that this particular retail establishment felt the need to hire a licensed physician."
And if I were on hand, I would be proud to see my oldest son, rightful aire to my throne of nonsensical achievement, swoop to that bathroom like David Hasselhoff on Santa Monica Beach. Or Michael Jackson, the ball pit of a temporarily unsupervised Chucky Cheese-- too soon?
So what if the white coat he wears every day is just part of his personal ensemble? And so what if the key ring on his belt opens up a circuit of closets, rest rooms and "employee only" storage rooms, rather than a motorcade of Corvettes and Bentleys?
My son, Doctor Schimmel, will be the first janitor in history to give hastily respected medical advice on the morning bus to work. AND THAT'S SOMETHING.
"Hey doc, I noticed the name tag. Mind if I ask you a question about this rash?
"Hey doc, can you take a look at this inner-ear infection?
"With pleasure."
My son, the janitor, will attend to each of his unsuspecting patients carefully and completely. That just comes with the territory of being a doctor.
So why wouldn't I name my first son Doctor P. Schimmel? And why stop there?
Moving forward would come President Schimmel, Professor Schimmel and Coolest Guy Alive Schimmel.
Why put my children through the troubles of medical school-- or peer pressure in Coolest Guy Alive's case-- when I can spring on them an unearned sense of instant gratification at birth?
"IT'S A BOY-- I shall call him... KING SCHIMMEL THE MERCIFUL."
A six-pack of Natty Ice and time to bro' out beats six years of grad school, right?
NOTE TO ALL READERS OUT THERE EAGER TO SWAGGER JACK MY PLAN: Should you decide to bestow upon your children any of the above mentioned names, I will have a team-- Officer Schimmel, Esquire Schimmel and my friend, Snake-- ready to cease and assist.
And while in no way, shape or form do I, with pride, liken my plans to anything that is "RED SOX NATION", it comes with great ease that I do so.
Following yet another volatile first-half-of-the-Major-League-season in which we watched the Boston Red Sox (55-38), New York Yankees (56-37), and Tampa Bay Rays (52-42) duke it out for top billing in the American League East, it comes with great pleasure that immediately following the MLB All-Star break, BAWW-STIN has already relinquished what many fans and writers alike considered to be a stronghold on the division. A four-game losing skid was all it took to knock the SAUX back into second place (one game back of the Yanks), and with Boston's 24-year-old Clay Buchholz on the hill tonight-- against Vicente Padilla and the Texas Rangers-- the Sox will be hard-pressed to keep their streak from dropping to five.
What's my point? What happened to all the bombastic Boston banter and the thoughtless medi-at-ric verbal regurgitation that stormed the airways not more than one week ago?
ESPN "First Take's" Skip Bayless referred to a 2009 Boston American League Title as imminent-- and he was not alone-- less than two weeks ago. And now what?
Of course, ushering the Red Sox to the realm of all together insignificance as a result of their recent struggles would be just as frivolous in its own right. Perhaps like the claim that Bayless made when he said the Yanks didn't have the grit to hang with the Sox for the second half of the season, based entirely on a first-half performance put together by a second-half team filled with second-half players like CC Sabathia (9-6) and Mark Teixeira (.277 batting average with 23 home runs) and a still rehabilitating core that includes Alex Rodriguez (.252 batting average, 19 home runs), Xavier Nady (Disabled List) and Chien-Ming Wang (9.64 ERA)?
So yes, the Red Sox won the American League's first half of the season. But now what? Does winning 55 games get you to the playoffs? If so, than maybe I should just name my son Baseball Player Schimmel.
Led by an offensive unit of left fielding Jason Bay (.254 batting average, 20 home runs), first baseman Kevin Youkilis (.303 batting average, 17 home runs) and second baseman Dustin Pedroia (.301 batting average, 40 runs batted in), there is no denying that Boston has talent. But are we to believe that a line-up that gives journeyman infielder Nick Green (249 batting average, 30 runs batted in) regular playing time at shortstop is destined for a World Series? Right fielding J.D. Drew (.236 batting average), third baseman Mike Lowell (.289 batting average) and center fielding Jacoby Ellsbury (.290 batting average) are all dangerous in their own right, but I have a hard time regarding them as threats to the Yankees' bid for the American League. When comparing the Yankees' MLB-leading 512 runs scored to Boston's sixth-place 477, it's easy to see that the Red Sox don't have the fire power to keep up. Any injury to the Josh Beckett-led Boston pitching staff, which is arguably the strongest in the league, will prove much more detrimental than an injury to the Yanks' pitching staff-- New York is in first place with Wang sitting atop of a gruesome 1-6 record because of its ability to put runs on the board.
Ultimately, New York is built to last and the Red Sox, while formidable in their own right, are at all times, one injury away from mediocrity.
So to all the Red and White fans naming their 2009 baby as Championship after just 93 games, please take heed to my advice.
WHILE NAMING YOUR SON DOCTOR MIGHT HELP HIM GET HITS ON E-HARMONY, WITHOUT THE PROPER SCHOOLING, HE IS NOT ACTUALLY DR. DOCTOR SCHIMMEL; JUST ANOTHER HIGH-POWERED CUSTODIAN.
And one more note: Please don't steal my idea!
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