Friday, January 23, 2009

The New York Giants??! Get Your Beer Goggles Off!

Here's to the end of another cold winter week in New York City. Eddy Curry, we hardly knew ye' and LET'S GO CARDS (who would'a thought)!The weekend is here, so let the good times roll. Another booze infested, maldigestive two days (or three depending on how gainfully unemployed you are) of brew chugging, stomach pumping shenanigans. Yep, just another weekend on 20-something Boulevard.
Here's to you dudes...
What's in store for the weekend?Most of you have no doubt attended your fair of frat parties, sorority mixers and five-dollar-all-you-can-drink- Busch Light bashes. For those of you who haven't…well… let me enlighten you (but first, is it too early to call shotty on your liver).
A five dollar bill (or other sundry cast of analogous items determined by the bouncer to be of equal value—use your imagination) handed over at the door will earn you entry into the all-you-can-drink keg buffet line. Sorry, no Stella or Blue Moon here. We only serve the best (Milwaukee's Best actually). Enter the zoo at your own risk, but look out for fly-by beer pongers, scantly dressed, card-carrying sexually transmitted disease proprietors, shell-necklace-wearing, acoustic guitar plucking bros, ice louges, beer funnelers, belligerent drunks and of course, the token vomit queen.
Walk hard through the festivities my son, but do so with caution, for beer goggles await you. For all of you unaware of the the power of the goggle, the incorrective lenses apply as follows: there's a reason we don't drink and drive. Alcohol is an all-natural source of judgement impairment. It makes you see things that aren't there, say things you shouldn't say, and love people that you probably shouldn't love. Not good. So why should a drinker consume and bring a romantic companion back to one's room (you might unwittingly wind up operating heavy machinery--OH THAT's why it says that on the back of the can).
The goggles don't hit you at once (and ladies, you're just as guilty). The typical frat bro will walk into a party, take a once-around lap probing the room for prospective draft picks and begin a night of drinking. That's when you spot two first-rounders conversing with a bench warmer. The benchee isn't bad—aside from that giant atom's apple anyway. She begins to look better with every Yeager bomb. 12 beers later, the two lottery picks are nowhere to be found. The party is clearing out and the crop of women seems to have dried up. Suddenly, atom's apple is queen of the gorganites and she whisks you away back to your bunk bed (don't let this be you kids).
I vision a world safer for our children, one that rallies enough supporters in congress to amend a new law to the constitution, effectively banning drinking and well… you know. Until then, lock your children away, google a list of all possible suspects in your neighborhood and be wary of what is known throughout college campuses abound, simply as the curse.
This year, the New York Football Giants were queens of the gorganites, nothing but the last female left at a party full of drunk frat bros.
Allow me to explain...
The Big Blue walked into the 2008-09 season escorted by two Maxim cover girls-- after all, the Giants were the reigning Super Bowl Champs. Haven't you ever noticed that hype increases attraction? Like when a mildly attractive specimen walks into a party surrounded by "10's"? Similarly, the Giants began the season surrounded by an inherent degree of unearned, yet completely explicable excitement.
New York's 4-0 start didn't discourage the hype. Neither did the way they were winning. Before the start of week six, the Giants had outscored their opponents by a total of 127-49, a staggering statistic that showcased New York's supposed prowess on both sides of the ball. The Giants' first victory was a 16-7 win over the Washington Red Skins, a team who looked lost in the season-opener. Week two showed Big Blue's ability to beat up on the League's perennial door mat St. Louis Rams, with a 41-13 victory. Next up, the reigning champs defeated the league-embarrassment Cincinnati Bengals with a 26-23 win (they had to do it in over time). After a bye in week four, the Giants then went on to beat the Seattle Sea Hawks, 44-6.
Why is it that after four weeks, New York fans and football analysts alike failed to notice that the Giants still hadn't played anyone of legit respectability? Their first loss came in week five to the previously hapless Cleveland Browns, and from then on out, the schedule didn't get much more difficult. The Giants did nothing early to merit such high expectations.
Next, take a look around the league-- as I have been saying since early November, this is not exactly a landmark year for the NFL. In fact, as far as team power rankings are concerned, this is probably the weakest year in recent memory for the NFL. Think about it: the New England Patriots were Tom Brady-less, and thus, relegated to the land of mere mortals. The Dallas Cowboys-- need I say more? The Indianapolis Colts were for much of the season, defunct, until resurrecting in December for a late-season playoff push. The Philadelphia Eagles were a non-event until the Cowboys blew it. The San Diego Chargers lost a lot with the decline of "superstar" running back LaDainian Tomlinson, and the Green Bay Packers threw away the season when they let Brett Favre throw for the New Jerk Jets (that's a whole 'nother story). My point: Any year when the Tennessee Titans can "steam roll" into the NFL playoffs with a number-one seed is a down year for the NFL. The Miami Dolphins? The Atlanta Falcons? Come on DOG! They were competitive by default this year (sorry Greg, sorry Stu). And alas, the Arizona Cardinals are in the National Football League Super Bowl. Are they a real team? Most people in the United States probably didn't even know of the franchise's existence until filling out the inter-office Super Bowl pool yesterday. "The Cad-nals?? Are they new?"
Thus, my theory is further qualified. In the land of she-males, she with the smallest amount of male is queen (or King).
In the dwindling hours of yet another frat party, even the chick with the bald spot can look attractive by comparison when the right amount of beer goggles are involved. The Giants, who failed to pass every late-season test thrown their way (the Cowboys, the Vikings and the Eagles twice) lost four of their last five games. They stumbled into the playoffs because of what an easy schedule and weak competition allowed, and they proved that they cannot win without suspended wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
In 2008, the Giants were prom queen at the TKA formal. Only problem is, they were the only ones left at the party and everyone was wearing their goggles.

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